Jess - 02/03/2018

“When’s the last time you visited?” “Hm...probably around 10 years ago?”

I haven’t been to China in almost a decade. The last time my grandparents had seen me in person, I was 8 years old.

A lot can change in a decade. I grew several inches, took up running and cycling, learned how to play the flute, and much more. The years, passing quickly, have brought me further and further away from my heritage. This I feel very self-conscious about. My parents visit China often, mostly for business trips but also to visit family. My sister and I aren’t close with most of our cousins. They don’t know much about us either--mostly only stories from my mom and dad when they visit. Speaking truthfully, I’m nervous to go back. I’m really aware about my Chinese-speaking abilities, as I can hear the words coming out of my mouth being infused with an American accent. Because I can understand Chinese better than I can speak it, I’m a much better listener in China—I begin to notice more when I’m not speaking all the time. I miss China, as my memories from the last visit are only brief snapshots in my mind.

My grandfather passed away last fall. It was an incredibly difficult time, as we knew his health was on the decline for the past two years. I speak to my grandmother every now and then over Skype, but the conversations are never long, and it’s not the same as speaking in person. When there was a particularly dangerous crash in the Tour de France last year, my grandmother frantically called my mom and asked if I was okay, because she thought I was racing in the tour. I felt quite honored.